On nights like these (READ: all-nighters), I just sit in front of my laptop and fight off sleep as I attempt to finish my work. During these difficult hours of labor, I stare blankly and despair. I think to myself, I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to work, work, and work forever like a slave. Which is what I do, I have realized.
All of my life, I have let myself become a workaholic to reach the next step. Elementary school was spent preparing for middle school; middle school, high school; high school, college; etc. After college, it will be graduate school. And then it will be my career. When I'm finally in the workplace, what will happen to me? What will I work to achieve after that?
I don't want to become one of those mindless Type A's -- I fear this so much.
And so I become so down when I realize that I'm stuck in this cycle of overworking to reach my next short-term goal.
And this ties into my whole I-have-no-life deal. During the first semester, I was swamped with work and commitments to the point where I was only free on Fridays and weekends. But everyone parties on Fridays, and people have other activities on the weekends. And so I ended up being a loner for the most part... And it's not like I knew many people anyways because living off-campus kind of kills any hopes for a social life. (I know I'll always look back and think to myself, I wish I had that experience. I might've hated it, but at least I would be able to say that I had that... And I would be able to say, "Why, when I was in college... My dormie and I..." But alas, I will never know how it is...)
I feel like I'm missing a part of my life; while everyone else is hanging out and enjoying themselves on campus, I end up sulking and staring at Facebook in the parameters of my apartment.
I suppose being neurotic only exacerbates the problem because I'd think about all of my problems and despair instead of trying to fix it (because I gave up on trying after the first two months. It just became easier to sulk and wallow in self-pity).
And so I had to ask my friends to shed some optimism and share their joy with me. And then I did some self-therapy:
http://www.ehow.com/how_5096560_cheer-someone-up.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_2109551_cheer-yourself-up.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Cheer-Up
But I'm trying to be better about enjoying the small things of life during this semester. I will work hard to procrastinate less and get more done. And then I'll probably have more time to relax and consequently not hate life. Good plan, right?
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On a side note, being in college makes you realize who you are and what you want to be.
(I've realized that I am a laptop-fiend. So I've developed this plan where I'm only going to go on my laptop past a certain hour at night. That way, I'll be so tired that I'll focus on getting work done and will do less unnecessary stuff. =] Yay to proactivism!)
Honestly, all I want in life is to find contentment. And yet there are so many things that I hope in the meantime. For instance, I would be overjoyed to be able to wake next to someone I love every day; I would love to have tea with friends every weekend; I would be euphoric to have a good (low-stress?) job that allows me time to enjoy the small things of life.
I want to have a simple life so that my heart is not torn between so much, but I don't want to be robotic (like I am now. Working 24/7 makes me feel like a machine).
But I'm so bad at life right now, so it'd unfair to date. I mean, the point of dating is to get to know someone better by spending time, right? As such, I feel like it'd be unfair to enter a relationship when I busy myself to the point of not having a social life. Sigh.
I guess I have time, though. Why should I worry so?
Here's a present, btw:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7750169/Psychology-
